Saturday, July 30, 2016

Funny Quotes

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.
Josh Groban
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Robert McCloskey
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.
Oscar Wilde
Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
Oscar Wilde
It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Oscar Wilde
I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.
Oscar Wilde
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
Oscar Wilde
By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
Oscar Wilde
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Oscar Wilde
Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
Oscar Wilde
Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
Oscar Wilde
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
Tommy Cooper
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect
Benny Hill
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
Victor Borge
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I speak two languages, Body and English.
Mae West
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
John Lennon
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself
Mark Twain
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
Helen Rowland
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobal
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie
If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?
Tom Snyder
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
Melanie Griffith
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Mark Twain
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...
Louis Hector Berlioz
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no.
Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox
A hard man is good to find.
Mae West
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
Mae West
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Rudyard Kipling
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Oscar Wilde
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Winston Churchill
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
Mae West
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
Another such victory, and we are undone.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Mae West
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith
Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
David Brent
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles D. Warner
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Woody Allen
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West
Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Rita Rudner
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Rita Rudner
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Friendship Quotes

A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else.
Len Wein
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
Donna Roberts
A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.
 Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus
My friends are my estate.
Emily Dickinson
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
A friend is one who walks in when others walk out.
Walter Winchell
A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more.
Jasmine Fitzwilliam
Everyone is a friend, until they prove otherwise.
Every person is a new door to a different world.
from movie 'Six Degrees of Seperation'
It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
John Leonard
Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
Elbert Hubard
I get by with a little help from my friends. 
John Lennon
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends.
Mary Catherwood
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis
I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel.
Logan Pearsall Smith
Friends are the most important ingredient in this recipe of life.
The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.
Abraham Lincoln
The love of my life is the love between friends.
One's best friend is oneself.
A Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway.
To be depressed is to be lonely; to have a friend is to be happy...
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.
Steve Klaka
Sometimes you pick your friends, sometimes they pick you.
Steve Klaka
The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him, his own.
Benjamin Disraeli
Though our communication wanes at times of absence, I'm aware of a strength that emanates in the background.
Claudette Renner
I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow.
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
Friendship is a pretty full-time occupation if you really are friendly with somebody. You can't have too many friends because then you're just not really friends.
No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever.
Francois Mocuriac
Give others freedom to be themselves. Appreciate the differences between their ways an yours.
Jennifer Chen
Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life.
Pizza Place Sign
Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
Truth and tears clear the way to a deep and lasting friendship.
True friendship is never serene.
Mariede Svign
Friendship: a building contract you sign with laughter and break with tears.
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter.
Marlene Dietrick
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty.
Collins English Dictionary
A new friendship is like an unripened fruit - it may become either an orange or a lemon.
Emma Stacey
Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.
Oscar Wilde
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel; But do not dull thy palm with entertainment of each new-hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade.
William Shakespeare
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. 
Mother Teresa
I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.
Benjamin Franklin
Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 
Mark Twain
Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship.
Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
The best mirror is an old friend.
George Herbert
What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies.
The friendship that can cease has never been real.
Saint Jerome
I count myselt in nothing else so happy, as in a soul rememb'ring my good friends.
William Shakespeare
I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial.
Thomas Jefferson
Sir, more than kisses, letters, mingle souls; For, thus friends absent speak.
John Donne
Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend, unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end.
John Boyle O'Reilly
Friends have all things in common.
Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.
My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.
Henry Ford
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. They are but trifles, to be sure but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.
No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence.
George Eliot
It is a sweet thing, friendship, a dear balm, a happy and auspicious bird of calm...
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
Wilson Mizner
The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters.
Thomas Jefferson
One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter.
Francoise Sagan
Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.
Kahil Gibran
There is magic in the memory of schoolboy friendships; it softens the heart, and even affects the nervous system of those who have no heart.
Bejamin Disraeli
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. 
Walt Whitman
True friendship is never serene.
Marquise de Sevigne
When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance.
Anatole Broyard
Friends are born, not made.
Henry Adams
This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joy, and cutteth griefs in half.
Francis Bacon
Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose.
Tehyi Hsieh
There is no hope of joy except in human relations.
Antoine de Sainte-Exupery
The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man's success in life. 
Edward Everett Hale
Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?
Henry David Thoreau
Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannogt congeal in winter.
James Fenimore Cooper
Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life.
James Francis Byrnes
Never kiss a friend. If you have deeper feelings, never reveal them. You will lose that friend forever...
sent by David
Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead; Do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead.
Anna Cummins
True friendship's laws are by this rule express'd, welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.
Alexander Pope
Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.
Every man should have a fair-sized cemetary in which to bury the faults of his friends.
Henry Brooks Adams
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget... 
Sent by Joanne
Money might make you wealthy, but friends makes you rich.
A world without a friend, what would it be? It would be like a world without water, something you need. Friends are like glass, once broken, they are hard to fix. Keep your friends, as you would keep your water.
Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.
Maragret Lee Runbeck
Scatter seeds of kindness everywhere you go; scatter bits of courtesy, watch them grow and grow. Gather buds of friendship; Keep them till full-blown; You will find more happiness than you have ever known.
Amy R Raabe
Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness...
Richard Bach
The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. 
Elizabeth Foley
You only meet your once in a lifetime friend... once in a lifetime.
Little Rascals
A circle is round it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend!
A friend is like an oreo, its not always that great, but it always gets better!
Erin Westbrook
Love doesn't make the world go round, it makes the ride worthwhile.
F.P. Jones
All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us.
The Wonder Years